Managing the most powerful emotion in the world – The love equilibrium
I know my girlfriend loves me very much, but there is still something acutely powerful, blissfully reassuring and downright indomitable about hearing Heidi utter those magical three words to me.
I’ve worked hard over the past few years to rid myself of any negative emotions and anxieties and be able to control my emotions at will, yet I truly believe that the only emotion that cannot be suppressed is love!
That is fine if your love for someone is equally reciprocated, but what if it is not? And even if it is reciprocated, does the intensity fluctuate over time?
This article will introduce some new theories I have been working on surrounding love and how to manage what is ostensibly the most powerful emotion in the world…
The love equilibrium:
I have recently been toying with the theory that there is a certain equilibrium that couples must find and maintain with regards to how much they love each other in order to sustain a happy and fulfilling relationship indefinitely.
Love, on the whole, is a positive emotion but it can also lead to some more disruptive traits rearing their ugly little heads. These are things such as neediness, dependency and validation-seeking, which are all factors that can severely disrupt a once happy equilibrium.
How love affects self-control:
In a sense, love is linked to a state of being out of control. This theory supports how love is the only emotion that cannot be suppressed: it affects both our rational thoughts and actions.
The interesting point is that the more you fall in love, the more out of control with the relationship you become and the more likely the aforementioned disruptive traits are to appear.
This in turn will balance against your partner’s feelings. I’m not saying that your partner will start falling out of love with you, but they are likely to start feeling signs of contempt for the relationship, which if you’ve been reading this website for a while, will know is the number one relationship killer!
I know how much you all love my diagrams so I’ve created two diagrams that highlight what I mean…
The love equilibrium – balanced
The love equilibrium – unbalanced
The first diagram represents a happy couple in a fulfilling and equally loving relationship. The second diagram represents what happens when this balance goes out of kilter and one person in the relationship starts becoming overbearing with their love and affection, almost like a weight against their partner. Obviously life circumstances play a part in how each person reacts to such a scenario but it is recommended that you try to restore an equal balance as soon as possible.
Love or infatuation:
Love is the culmination of many feelings towards a person and the side-effect of crafting a relationship of passion, intimacy and commitment. There is a well-known imposter to love though, which is called infatuation! Funnily enough, as there are fewer factors to obscure the dynamics, the love equilibrium is easier to spot when dealing with a case of infatuation.
An example, which I’m sure many people can relate to, is becoming obsessed with one particular person who you currently have no romantic relations with, be it a friend, someone you have a crush on, or a past boyfriend or girlfriend. If you actually get to the point of confessing your feelings for them, you usually end up pushing them further away.
Balancing love:
In a mutual, loving and committed relationship, there should be no need for superfluous validation or extra effort from one person. Love should be something that develops both naturally and smoothly.
A lot of couples use the magical three words “I love you” far too automated, often as an obligation or quarrelling peacemaker. I personally only use the phrase during particular moments of amorous emotion; basically, when I genuinely mean it! I’m sure that the sincerity of Heidi saying “I love you” is similar.
This topic is one that I intend to expand on considerably in the future and may well become an article series. For now, the main thing to think about if you are in love is, do you love each other equally and do you express that love equally? 🙂
Much love (genuine, balanced love),
Samuel
I think you are on to something Sam. I for one am looking forward to you writing more on this subject.
I agree looking back at my past relationships and indeed my failed marriage that there always seems to be one person who is making more effort and seems to have more to lose. I would second your theory that this is caused by love. There is nothng worse than feeling like the balance is not right as you describe.
Thanks for a great article and take care.
Joan <3
Hi Joan,
Yes you’re right when you describe it as someone having ‘more to lose’. Making more effort and having more to lose are actually conflicting situations yet it is one of the most counter-intuitive concepts in relationships and even relates back to dating and being ‘hard to get’. The instinctual action when you feel your partner is pulling away is to be more persistent and more loving (verging on needy as I described in the article) and it is perplexing to see this method fail. Taking a careful step back and an open perspective is generally a better solution but like I say, love often hinders rational thought.
Thanks for your comment, 🙂
Sam
I have to say that although this doesn’t relate to me much I enjoyed reading this. Im unsure if I have ever been in love (no one has ever explained how you know if you are in love?) but I can see how this works.
To clear up my understanding do you mean that the balance is always equal as in if it isn’t 50/50 it is 60/40 or 70/30 but never say 60/20. Soz if that doesn’t make sense what I mean is that is the partners love always a balanced version of theirs. Ok that prob still doesn’t make sense lol.
Thanks for a great read anyway Sam
Hey Dean,
Knowing when you are in love is a tricky one. Love is such a sought after human desire that many people ‘fake it’ or get confused with infatuation as I described in the article. I would say that romantic love or true love is something that can’t manifest without time and effort and when you do reach that you will know the difference. True love is basically love that is void of any ego, which is something I’ve written about in the previous articles found in the archives.
As for the balance, it isn’t an exact science so will not be precisely equal. There is definitely a correlation between the act of ‘push-pull’ when referring to love though, so it’s more a subconscious tendency rather than a precise balance.
Thanks for your comment, 🙂
Sam
Reading this is a good indicator of how when love is real, there will be a balance. I also think a difference between love and infatuation is that love can be seen through actions. Infatuation is usually one-sided but is harder to realize for the person who has the crush. I think many people who have love in relationships and are not satisfied are that way because the love lost its equilibrium.
I think also when love is genuine, it’s natural to both in the relationship and not a chore. It comes easily for both. This post is a terrific reminder for a person not to settle for anything less. Thanks Sam. 🙂
Hi Elena,
You make some great points and have actually got me thinking about whether genuine love can be anything other than natural or equal as you say. If it is one-sided then perhaps it is always better described as obsession or infatuation!
I agree with what you say at the end of your comment about how genuine love should be natural and not a chore. It’s so disappointing to see people in relationships put up with being treated horribly because they “love their partner”.
Thanks for your insights Elena, 🙂
Sam
I think it’s about knowing how much love your partner can take. For example – if my boyfriend wrote a blog like yours declaring in the open how much he loves me, I would find that too much. Not because I don’t love him but because the balance would be out of sync. I would be flattered at first but then I think I would want to discuss it as little as possible. I am a very private person and for him to do something like that would make me feel overwhelmed and as if I cannot compete. How does Heidi feel about your blog?
I have been in relationships where I have been the one “loving too much” and it sucks. I can recognise the situation now but only after a month or so of trying to get the relationship back on track. Once somebody has “checked out” there is usually no bringing them back. A man who has had his mind changed for him will still be of the same opinion…
Hello,
That’s a great opening point and knowing how much love (or expression of love) your partner can take comes with knowing your partner’s character in general. I assume that if your boyfriend did something like you described it would be ‘out of character’ for him and it would ‘disrupt the equilibrium’ to relate it to the article.
As for me and Heidi, she actually knew my passion for these topics when we met (although admittedly back then I was more focused on the dating side of things rather than relationships) but I also only write personal things that represent me authentically and I’m always aware of the ‘love equilibrium’ when doing so. As a second point, as I wrote in some of my early introductory posts, part of my interest is actually to develop and improve my own relationship and I love it when Heidi shows interest and embraces these sorts of topics with me as it helps us achieve that together. I guess the best answer to your question would come from Heidi herself though… I know she reads most of what I post, so if you’re there sweetie, share your thoughts please!! 🙂
The last part of your comment is pretty accurate too. It is a long time since I’ve been in the situation myself as since then I’ve always made sure the relationship progression is equal. You’re right though, once you’re at a stage of large imbalance it’s very hard to rectify without taking yourself out of the situation completely and reassessing everything!
Thanks for your comment, 🙂
Sam
Hi there : )
I definitely think it is important to have the right balance when it comes to expressing how you feel about your partner. Every couple is different; Sam and I happen to be fairly open about expressing our feelings towards one another. He is actually quite the romantic, but not so much that it becomes overpowering.
As Sam mentions, I do take an interest in the topics discussed on the website and I enjoy talking with him about most of the subjects that are raised. Also, I generally have an idea about Sam’s views before each article is posted, as most of the issues we will have discussed previously.
So to answer your question, I have no problem at all with Sam’s blog; in fact I look forward to reading a new article each week!
x x
This is such a great topic I have to comment again. I just want to add two things to clarify my original comment.
1. No relationship is truly 50/50. Some things one person in the relationship may have a majority on. Other things, the other person in the relationship will have their influence on. I think you can only hope that it’s as close to 50/50 as possible. I think there are different kinds of love, but that truly exceptional love –soulmate love– is the kind I think that’s easy and natural.
2. Infatuation is always at the initial part of the relationship. It’s new. It can grow into love but that’s only if both are interested in one another. As Mariah Carey says “Love Takes Time”. Some people are lucky enough to know the minute they meet that person, but what makes a relationship memorable is the journey. Obsession stems from what’s left over when the equilibrium is really off balance.
I’ve definitely been on both sides but I am still holding out for that special someone who is one of a kind. That to me is worth the wait even when there are no guarantees.
Have a nice weekend everybody! 😀
Hi Elena,
I agree that relationships can never truly be 50/50 when analysed at specific intervals and in fact it wouldn’t even be that healthy: human relationships feed off there being a dynamic between two people and in any given interaction there will usually be one person who is more active/dominant and the other who is more passive/submissive. These roles can and should fluctuate between the two people though, enabling them to fit equally into the equilibrium scale and hence it is the AVERAGE dynamic over a period of time that should ultimately be 50/50 or very close to it. There are also many peripheral factors that add to the overall equilibrium but on a basic level it is interest levels that are the easiest to observe externally and judge a balance from.
That’s a great point about infatuation being the beginning state of love if developed correctly. There are people who claim things such as ‘love at first sight’ but what I think they really mean is ‘potential love at first sight’. Loving relationships still take effort but because love is so powerful and exhilarating, it may not seem like effort! 🙂
Thanks for adding to your points Elena, you have some wonderful insights! 🙂
Sam
When do you know you have messed up your love equilibrium..???
I mean how do we men behaive???????? and how do we have to behaive to make your gf fall for you again??????
Hi John,
There are two ways in which the love equilibrium can be damaged. The first is due to a sudden betrayal of trust, such as one person in the relationship cheating or doing some other malapropos activity in secret. The second, which is more common and is actually a predecessor to the first type, is a gradual development of contempt in the relationship.
The simplistic way to know when the love equilibrium is unbalanced is through observing changes in behaviour. Does your partner react differently to loving gestures compared to when you were first together? Does your partner seem to be becoming either needy or underwhelming? Any examples like this are usually signs that an imbalance is developing.
The solution is to notice which specific aspects of the relationship are causing the imbalance and work on smoothing those aspects out. Common examples are appreciation levels in the relationship, practical effort in the relationship and dependency on the relationship.
To make a woman “fall for you again”, attraction is the only thing that will consistently do that. A lot of men get lazy once they are in a secure relationship and no longer do the things that attracted their partner in the first place. Working on how attractive you are (both in behaviour and lifestyle) along with making sure your love and appreciation levels are conveyed similarly is what will restore the love equilibrium to its most fulfilling state. 🙂
Thanks for your questions John,
Sam
Hi Sam!
Great article! What if somebody was a great guy truly at heart and did everything right in the beginning to attract a girl all the traits the girl loves because they were naturally like that and everything was great as in the girl was always after him. Then over time things just changed and the powershift changed. You know what i’m talking about, let’s just say every single one of your articles you’ve wrote about attraction killers this person did everything! and now realizes what they did wrong. Yes this is me by the way lol. All your articles “love equal, nice guy,bad guy balance” worst thing is I KNOW ALL THIS stuff but it happened. She finally pulled the plug couple days ago…I knew it was coming to be honest I seen all the red flags a mile away…not to mention i’m going through a bad time in my life and lost alot of things where as before I had everything and was super confident with her and showed her a hell of a good time..she loved it…now since I lost alot, broke down I think she got very overwhelmed by everything not to mention all the build up and told me “She’s not happy and i’m not right for her” yes this is a decisive decision on her part…..we almost broke up before a while back but it was more or less not being sure…last time when she wanted “Space” or Kinda “Break up” she was a mess calling her friends telling them she thinks it’s a mistake..telling me all kinds of things…msg’ing me non stop..calling me…it was a bit easier I knew she wasn’t going to leave and we would get back togehter quiet easily to be honest. This time I really do think it’s over just based off what she said. She said there’s no basis for us i’m not good for her in a “Relationshipy” type of way. So yes i’ve read all the books, your articles, PUA stuff etc..etc…so I know it’s all suger coated as girls do. What she really means is “The attraction is KILLED OFF completley, who you are now and who I fell for is gone” and so am I. It’s hard but we both know it’s the truth. I do know what I did wrong. I’m currently i’m in the no contact mode and this is the coldest i’ve ever seen her like I mention before she would be calling non stop and msg’ing because she really didn’t want to lose me. Now, since a couple days have passed since she’s broke up with me and said what she said and how she said it (Cold) I don’t know what to think. I almost feel like she feels sorry for me because of what she said and what i’m going through and I hate that. I obviously read enough to know what to do to get your ex back my question is will this work in this situation. She is very head strong as well and has a business for 8 years successfully. I had a business but it just went bust recently which was the demise of alot of things in my life and other things followed and that was one of the main things she was attracted to was the beginning when I was starting my business which was Ambition. I know she would of stuck by my side I just think when I was in my bad spot a week ago I broke down to her and that was horrible. All my alpha male qualities she loved about in the inside was all gone…what is there left for her to be in this relationship for?…So obviously you and I Sam both know what went wrong and how I changed. My question is and based on how she’s acting…is time really the answer to try and get her back (I will not contact her I know that’s a no no) or should I really move on. I mean we did have some amazing times together. Not to mention i’m a bit different cause i’m Canadian living in England for the last 2 years so I have the accent and i’m a decent looking guy, so i’m that “Different” thing that she has…(This is another reason why she couldn’t let me go in previous arguements and I had alot of power over her cause of the reason) or had I should say….So not sure what to do I know time will tell and I should concentrate on moving on…I just want to know by the way she’s acting and from what I read form you, since she did decide what’s good for her, can she be really that cold and not contact me? and cut me off cold like that? Is she even thinking about me?? Like I said to you before she’s NEVER been like this almost like there was some hate in her words when she broke up with me or felt like that at least, which I find so weird. When I told her she broke my heart she simply said “Sorry what would you like me to do, pretend?” pretty cold if you ask me…after all are our good times this happends…I understand it was a built up over time and I could of fixed this easily before or in the process..but now I have no idea what to do..I do want her back…but only if everything is equal, near the end it was more me than her and like you say I pushed her away. She didn’t feel as much as I did…oddly enough in the begging when I had alpha qualities and she was attracted like crazy she was saying things like “I’m so lucky to have found you” Or even and yes she did say this one “Why me, why did you pick me out of all the girls you could have here” I only been here in England for a year and was confident as hell!…Yes I did everything wrong near the end and I do know everything I did so I will spare you cause you are the master of this stuff. So there you have it Sam…What shall I do??
Hey Frank,
A lot of the time when things start to go wrong in a relationship, it is because things are going wrong outside of the relationship. The two then act like a negative feedback loop; as one gets worse, it affects the other and vice versa.
It sounds like you already know what has caused the downfall, the differences between then and now, and what you need to do to put it right. Knowing what to do is only half of the process though; you have to start putting that theory into action, one piece at a time.
Just like the people whom are most successful in business or a field of expertise, a successful relationship is one that views any failings as momentary hiccups; everything is a result of actions and the people involved are in complete control of that.
The theory you have already read regarding turning attraction around and regaining confidence is where you want to focus. I would start by making an action plan that focuses on all the aspects of your life you have mentioned, but not with the specific aim of getting back with your girlfriend. As the above article mentions, you must get the balance back if the relationship is to have a chance of prospering once more. That process starts by removing some of your attention and hope for getting back together for now.
You are right in respecting the time off period. The thing to do though is to make that time off productive. The next time the two of you see each other, you want her to start to notice a reform in character and remember the good aspects of your relationship rather than the bad. If you have been reading advice from the PUA community like you mention then the two most valuable pieces of information to take away from there is to have a proactive approach to your dating life and to create an abundance mentality towards it. Become the man that she wants to be with once more, which I can tell you already know the exact characteristics and beliefs of, as well as having possessed them in the past.
Whilst working on those areas, you can then start to test the love equilibrium once more by sending her short messages from a newly attractive mindset. If you find yourself assuming what she is feeling then make sure they are always positive assumptions based on the times when your relationship was at its best.
If you have had the relationship as you desire before then it goes without saying that you can have it that way once more. You just have to strip away any feelings of victimisation and take action on the theory that you already know.
All the best and thanks for reading the website,
Sam
Hi Sam,
Thanks for the above reply very much appreciated. Just thought i’d give you an update on our situation but before I do that I really hope you reply to this message because it might help others in this forum in “What women really want”
So I spoke to my ex one last final time and yes it is over. I know the EXACT reason why it’s over and this is why I am frustrated. Before I go into it I will let you know I am WELL aware of the “Nice guy” “Wussy guy” stuff i’ve read all the books (Dean cortez,David deangelo, The game the list goes on and on) So yes I do know EXACTLY what attracts a women as i’ve done it numerous amount of times doing it the “Right way” not to mention even coached some men. This is the THIRD time this has happened to me and I know there is something wrong. All happends the same way as well, when I first meet a girl i’m EVERYTHING in those books and more and the girl is PUTTY in my hands, I have all the control and everything is great. I noticed my relationships have a 1 year or maybe a lil longer expirary date. My current ex was pretty open and a straight shooter, always said what was on her mind and a successfull business women so no matter what needed to be said she said it good or bad but people respected her for it including myself. Even with that in mind becaues I had these traits she was always like that BUT because I had these traits and she loved it she always did it in a way to me which was more “Girley and sexy” which we both knows what that “Girly voice” mean..ATTACTION. When I first met her I was the alpha male doing everything an alpha male man is supposed to do, confidence, cocky comedy, push pull etc.etc..Inside I was always telling myself wow I got a successfull business women that everybody wanted and she was basically at my feet, it felt great!(Never showed her this obviously) We had a great relationship, great times, inside jokes, nicknames, she went out of her way to see me etc…you name it! I also did my part by the way just to get that straight but in a alpha male quality. So finally when I spoke to her a couple days she said EVERYTHING she had to say and I won’t bore you with the details but she tried to suger coat it at first (as girls do with one of the man lines) then she basically said “You couldn’t tell me to shut up) not literally of course but you know what that means. She said she needed somebody who was in the drivers seat etc…Let me explain, my business went bust a couple weeks ago and alot of shit went wrong for me and I finally broke…she seen it as weakness along with the last couple months i’ll be honest I was walking on eggs shells with her which is a BIG no no I know this along with a bunch of things I lost my self respect. So it was a build up things in the last couple months. So me and you both know she basically said “YOU TURNED INTO THE NICE WUSSY GUY” she loved the guy I was before. My problem is the last 3 relationships i’ve been in has been the same, great in the beginning and i’ve had issues but then something has happened. MIND YOU THIS GIRL has always told me she’ll stick with me and to be honest she would’ve she’s not shallow like that, and we both know when you have these alpha male traits a girl will go through whatever thel hell your going through and stick by your side. Unforutnately I broke down and looked weak, she was also going through some stuff I know women want a man that can be the rock for both of them, when I broke down she told me right there and then she knew it was over and I wasn’t for her. It was embarrassing I felt she was councilling me on how to be a mad I hate that convo made me feel like less of a man she also was giving suttle hints but and there was some reg flags that I ignored so I think we already crossed the point of no return and even if I got my assertiveness back it would of turned into a bad arguement. So that’s it, we had great times together very special times and from what I hear she is perfectly fine moving on by the way she’s acting not in a bad way just the way she’s laughing and joking with people our mutal friends etc. I’ve read the “Ex recovery systems” out there that tell you how to get your ex back and they say no matter what your ex is still thinking about you even if they don’t show it (Mind you my ex was very head strong and was a master at covering her emotions even when we argued and she bumped into people we knew etc so I could be wrong here) but I really don’t know in this case or situation, when a women loses that attraction for you and it get’s killed if they still are the same after a break up as if other couples who had “Regular break ups” are , is this the worst kind for men? because the attraction is killed instantly and women’s gene’s kick in and KNOW for a fact that this is not the man for them? So I really don’t know if she IS thinking about me or our special times, or even missing me, they say if your and your ex and you even had a little bit of good times in the relationship (Which we did when things were great in the beginning and middle of the relationship) then this theory is still correct and yes they are still thinking about you even though they don’t show it.
I guess my final question to you is: I know you’ve counciled ALOT of people in your time and have alot of clients. So from your experience or seen yourself or helped anybody in my situation? At the end of the day I still love her, I have accepted it because I’m actually kicking myself and ashamed ESPECIALLY because of all the knowledge I have on the topic and beating myself up thinking, “man why didn’t I just toughen up or why did I do certain things.” So the main question is have you seen a couple get back together from this situation? To me it’s almost as bad as cheating, well it might as well be because it’s such an attraction killer for the women. Is there any chance in time or whenever that my ex could see me in a new light if I get back to how I was? Or do women keep that part of you they’ve seen (Nice,wussy guy) programmed in there brain so there’s no chance? I know I need to work on myself and I shouldn’t be thinking about getting back with her but i’m just being honest here casue I have my goal now and know what I wanna do to improve myself and my life and what goals I want to achieve, but just to throw it out there in the future do women get curious and wonder? I mean we have alot of mutual friends and they ALL talk so information WILL get back to her, when I reach my goals it’s going back to her I know this, will she get curious? Is this at all repairable or reversable??? Can women see you as the alpha male type again if they last seen you as the wuss? The guy I was in the beginning is truley who I am but right now I have alot going on so I can honestly say I am not and it’s probably good for us what’s happened. I do feel abit embarrassed by it to know this girl is out there thinking of me in this “Light” so to speak ESPECIALLY since I know how I was before and how I actually am (Alpha). Or is this all just wishfull thinking? I’m moving on regardless because I know I have to but I just needed to know if it is at all possible to get/win her back at some point or is it just a lost cause? I know she’ll probably move on and start dating soon I could be wrong she could just want some space or time for myself but I don’t think she would say no to somebody that attracted her the way I did if it came across worst things she would is take it slow but at least she would have somebody there so I wouldnt’ put it past her but I could be wrong. What are your thoughts and experience on this?
Thank you so much Sam,
Kind Regards,
Frank
Hi again,
Women in particular feel their emotions strongly in the moment and so turning around a woman’s impression of you is simply a case of them giving you a chance to convey those changes. This is obviously more likely given time, as the raw emotions and negativity surrounding a breakup will have faded. You can’t force a woman to change her opinion of you.
This is why regardless of whether you truly want to get back with your ex-girlfriend or not, the general advice is always to “move on” in any way you can, as you’ve already acknowledged. If you share a social circle then any transformation you make will undoubtedly get back to her and you are likely to cross paths again at some point.
I have worked with and known many couples that have got back together after a seemingly definite breakup. Every relationship has its own unique set of circumstances as well as a host of less obvious variables that can often be overlooked but it is always possible. This is always after a complete reform in character and mindset though, basically reassessing everything that led to that relationship’s downfall.
If there are patterns with all of your previous relationships then it is wise to really think about exactly what those changes were and why they repeatedly occur. There are many differences between dating and long-term relationships and knowing too much seduction theory can actually hinder the latter. Attraction becomes a lot more passive as a relationship progresses. You don’t have to do anything specific to remain attractive; you just have to maintain an attractive mindset and not give reasons for anyone to change their opinion of you. Other things such as showing vulnerability and sincerity are extremely undervalued traits in a long-term relationship.
I am certain that she will still be thinking of you but the key to getting back together from the position you are in is to make sure that she is thinking about you more than vice versa. She has to want to get back with you more than you do with her and that is easiest to achieve if you put your attention towards meeting new women and learning from everything that you know went wrong last time.
It’s great that you already have such a thorough understanding of the correct theory, mindset and characteristics of an attractive man. I am certain that you will be able to get whatever outcome you desire in the long run, but you will have to respect the time it takes for the initial effects of the breakup to die down first.
All the best,
Sam