Managing a long distance relationship
Long distance relationships are becoming a far more common setup these days. I would define one not necessarily by literal distance but by how often a couple can feasibly see each other.
This actually happens to be the situation my girlfriend, Heidi, and I were in for the first year or two of our relationship. Aside from the first few months where we lived in the same city, we were rarely closer than an hour’s drive apart and were often up to three hour’s drive away from each other. We both made the relationship work because we both WANTED to make it work! Although every relationship is different, here are some general pointers for managing a long distance relationship…
Being realistic about the relationship:
Be realistic regarding your relationship as soon as possible and ideally before anything becomes too serious. Once people become too attached to one another, it’s a lot harder to think logically about specific terms and desires. Decide as soon as possible what is realistically going to work for you.
I had a client last summer who met a wonderful woman whilst travelling. They hit it off immediately and swiftly bound through the dating phases into a full blown relationship in a very short space of time. The overlooked caveat was that once their month-long trip together was over, they would be over 4,000 miles apart! Whilst they found it hard to admit, they both knew it was not going to work out once they had both returned home.
What it all comes down to is whether a long distance relationship is worth the extra commitment despite having less physical time together. Without tarnishing your time with someone so far, you have to decide if dating someone so far away from you subtracts aspects of your life and personal development. Ultimately, a relationship should be ADDING to your life, whatever the setup!
Be realistic with your current situation in life and if a monogamous relationship with someone at distance is not going to work for you, be honest with the other person involved. You can always keep in touch with them and you never know when your life situations may change and make things easier. However, I wouldn’t recommend waiting around for that time to come.
You should ultimately only be in a long distance relationship because you really see the relationship as something special. If it’s more a convenience issue or a lack of other options, then they are separate mindsets you should be working on.
Being faithful:
One of the hardest things to deal with in a long distance relationship is trusting your partner explicitly. Obviously you won’t be able to know what your partner is up to one hundred percent of the time, so you have to deal with any breaks in contact without any judgement or jealousy.
On a similar subject, avoiding temptation might be a problem for you on occasion. There will be moments when you are feeling emotionally distant as well as physically distant from your partner. If these are more than momentary occurrences, perhaps you need to reassess your relationship as a whole. An article I wrote entitled Steps for finding the perfect partner should help you with this analysis.
I definitely advocate maintaining a healthy social life whilst you are away from your partner. It will keep your personality attractive as well as keep your relationship in perspective. In doing this, you will no doubt encounter other attractive members of the opposite sex. Keeping memories of your partner close in your mind will prevent them ever becoming too emotionally distant and hence void the issue of temptation.
Keeping in touch:
Keeping in frequent contact is vital for sustaining a long distance relationship. There are so many different ways to communicate over distance these days that there really is no excuse for not keeping in touch. Phone calls, text messages, emails and letters are all great ways to let someone know you are thinking of them.
Even when we are apart, I speak to my girlfriend every day and relish the fact that I can constantly be a part of her life, even when we are far apart. It’s actually a great test to know how perfect your relationship is: do you WANT to know everything they are getting up to? Do you ENJOY hearing about trivial things they’ve done each day?
Being considerate:
You may find that the power shift in a long distance relationship changes more frequently than a couple who live together, for example. It is a lot easier to satisfy someone’s emotional needs in person and so your partner’s state can fluctuate greatly. Be considerate to this fact and although I wouldn’t advise being your partner’s “therapist” or outlet for emotional discharge, it is reassuring to let them know how much you miss them and talk about future times together to keep the relationship real.
Substituting intimacy:
The obvious deficiency with a long distance relationship is the lack of physical and intimate contact. Intimacy is one of the three factors of lasting love (along with passion and commitment) and so it would seem like this is unachievable if a couple are not physically together.
However, there are ways you can simulate physical intimacy until the times you are together and these are primarily achieved through verbal descriptiveness. This can be done through the use of intimate language when you speak to one another on the phone, which can even progress to the slightly taboo act of phone sex.
Use your imagination to think of other ways to simulate being together. One idea Heidi and I did early in our relationship was watching a movie simultaneously and speaking to each other before and after watching it (the movie was Disney’s Bolt if you want to know and it was magical).
Try to keep the relationship fun and exciting in any way you can, alongside making sure you still have the rapport of an intimate couple.
The positives of a long distance relationship:
There is one often overlooked positive aspect of a long distance relationship, that is far easier to consummate in such a setup. That positive involves not becoming contempt or needy with one another through overexposure. Obviously one could convey these things verbally but it is far easier to prevent the relationship becoming repetitive or boring by default.
One of the best things I remember about my relationship with Heidi during the early years was that when we did see each other in person, everything was really fresh and exciting. Try and turn any feelings of missing your partner into feelings of anticipation and plan ahead so that the time you do spend together is extra special.
Long distance relationships can definitely hold their fair share of tough periods but as long as they are handled with a conscious mind, they can be just as fulfilling, if not more fulfilling, than standard relationships.
I would be very interested to hear anyone else’s thoughts on this topic, especially anyone who has experience of their own long distance relationship. 🙂
Much love,
Samuel
i find that the hardest part about long-distance is trying to stay active in your own relationship. both me and my boyfriend have very different schedules, and when we finally do get on the phone with each other, it can sometimes be monotonous because we’re thinking about other things… it’s almost like having two separate lives. i can’t describe it, but all i can say is that a long-distance relationship (obviously) takes wayyyyy more active input from both of you than a normal relationship.
also, skype skype skype helps.
Hiya,
Great point and I can definitely relate to it. When Heidi calls me unannounced and I happen to be in the middle of some important work, I find it very hard to suddenly switch to fun, conversation mode in an instant. I think this is true of most people.
By far our best times talking together are when neither of us are pre-occupied with other things and can totally engage with each other… In bed, just prior to going to sleep is generally a good time. 🙂
Yes, skype is great isn’t it! Coupled with a webcam, it really is the closest you can get to feeling like you’re right next to each other. I actually bought Heidi a webcam as a ‘going away to Uni’ present last year… I handmade the box and it was bloomin’ marvellous if I do say so myself… ‘Talk to Sam 3000’ I think it was called! 🙂
Thanks for your comment,
Sam x
Hi, gr8 post thanks for posting. Information is useful!
I found this article really helpful. I’ve been in a long distance relationship before, but my current boyfriend and I are going through a much harder relationship than the previous. We met in our hometown but due to the recession his father was made redunant and was offered a new job in Australia. He wasn’t supposed to move their with his family but while out there for a period of two weeks he decided to never come back to the UK. We broke up and after a month and a half without speaking we admitted to one another than our love was proven to be undying. We’re now back together, but the only downside is that he is going to university over there and will be there for around 4 years. We’ve both decided to be 100% commited to this and one another as we’d both rather wait several years to be with one another than never have eachother again. We don’t speak that often; only for around an hour every day if I’m lucky due to the time difference and I’m finding this terribly hard. I really want this to work out but I’m constantly worried he’ll find someone else or he will fall out of love with me. x
Hi Emma,
Wow that is about as long-distance as you can get. However, it definitely can work as long as you both WANT to make it work. I know of a couple who remained in a relationship whilst one was in England and the other was in New Zealand for three years, so actually a very similar circumstance. They are still together now five years later so it can be done!
Will either of you be able to visit each other during the next four years? I know travelling that far isn’t exactly cheap or convenient but seeing each other at least a few times a year will help a lot in keeping the relationship real.
Other than that, by talking as often as possible and continuing to mutually make an effort with the relationship, keeping some of the points mentioned above in mind, I’m sure you can make it work. 🙂
Keep me updated,
Sam x
Great post and very useful but i am stuck with a problem that crosses many boarders in your posts and you seem to be very succesful at helping people who fit into those catagories, and i feel that this one may have been over looked.
My girlfriend and I have been together for a year and a bit and we did purely by co-incidence plan to go to university together, however my partener did not make the grades to my university. She and i now will have to try our best from quite a distance, this distance is not as big as a out of the country but North England to South West England. Now the distance i thought shouldnt be a problem as we arranged to try and meet up every other weekend and head to each others uni’s. However she has gone to freshers week a week earlier and i never thought i would be this hung up over it. I was very used to being in the loop with everything that she was doing as we used to live fairly close to one and other. Now however we go long patches of the day without contact, no response to a friendly ‘hows it going’ text. I know she is not doing this on purpose and is very busy introducing herself to new people but it is very hard for me not to feel like she is forgetting about me here at home and when i move up North for uni. The further Salt in the wound is the going out side of Uni, it was never a problem with me her going out on her own in our home town but now it seems it has really shaken me up hearing she is going out ALL the time (as you do in Freshers) and its very difficult i have no found, to deal with. I think the worst of it is i have absolutely no idea what is going on at her uni and the only way i would find anything out is through her, which puts a lot more stress on the trust aspect of our relationship. Any advice would be greatly appriciated otherwise it will be a very long three years, hopefully spent with a girlfriend.
Mike
Hey Mike,
I’ve experienced a very similar situation to the one you are currently in and a lot of the relationship’s success will come down to how collected and proactive to the situation you can remain. Your girlfriend has been thrown into a new, exciting and often stressful environment. The last thing you want to do is make the relationship extra stress for her.
Let her enjoy what is no doubt an extremely busy time and don’t take it personally if she doesn’t contact you much for the next few weeks. Arrange to speak to her at times where you know she won’t be overly busy and can give you her full attention even for a short while (a Sunday morning for example).
The next step, once the Fresher’s Week mayhem has died down a bit, is to go and visit and befriend her new peers. If you make a good impression they will actively want to help your relationship. You will also naturally hear more about what she is up to if you are friends with her social group there.
The couples that don’t last through University are the ones who don’t embrace the changes, get needy and jealous, and ultimately make the relationship a distraction from the University experience, rather than an addition to it!
The first few weeks, not hearing from your girlfriend promptly or often may be difficult but if you give her the freedom to enjoy herself and settle in now, she will respect you more because of it.
I hope things go well and thanks for writing,
Sam
Spot on post. I’ve been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for the past 6 months. We had only met once in shanghai before shooting off in to a relationship with lots of messaging via facebook. At this point in time. I’m making all the effort I can to see her as much as I can. Regardless how much trouble I go through, I will try to make the money to go and see her. Mind you, our relationship spans over 17,000KM going from Sydney to Philadelphia.
Over the past 4 weeks, I’ve caused massive issues with my neediness. I’ve lost sight of what we had when I was over there. She asked for a break for 3 days. I missed her so much, I could not keep the 3 day barrier. After that It felt like, every time I spoke to her, I was adding oil to the fire. I was needy due to my insecurities built up from the start of the relationship. Sooner or later it got out of control. I’m giving her the freedom and Independence that she wanted. I feel guilty and I’m making a change. I’ve spent the past 3 hours reading all your advice and I do feel that it will make me a better person. The next thing I must do to trust her completely and drop the fear and jealousy! It’s been 3 months since I last held her, 10 more days before I head over I hope my jealousy and insecurity won’t get the better of me.
Richard
Hey Richard,
You’ve got the right attitude about how you now want to trust her completely and drop any fear or jealousy. Maintaining a long distance relationship can take a lot of self-control, as it is easy to feel powerless in certain situations.
The hardest thing to balance out is how emotionally available you are. You want to find a balance between keeping in touch enough for the relationship to thrive but not so much that you come across as needy or insecure like you mention.
As I mentioned in the article, keeping yourself busy and getting on with things in your own life is the best method for preventing becoming too needy. If you get into a pattern of feeling insecurities in the relationship then they are likely to escalate the longer you are physically apart. It is good that you have recognised the situation along with your girlfriend. It isn’t necessarily about “giving her space” but more about finding the right frequency whereby you are both looking forward to speaking to each other for solely positive reasons.
I’m sure a lot of these issues will sort themselves out when you see each other so enjoy your trip, 🙂
Sam
Hiya, thank you for your post. I can really relate to this with my own long-distant relationship and I’m in need of advice.
I met someone who is culturally and linguistically different from me. We met while I was in Sweden, and for 6 months we were together. He speaks Arabic and doesn’t speak my native language, however, we communicated in the beginning with a little bit of Swedish. Somehow we communicated. I now take Arabic classes to try to fill our language gap.
The problem is he’s much older, 30, and I’m 22. I have big dreams of traveling and living abroad, finding my passion, and finding my career. He, on the other hand, wants to get married and wants me to move to Sweden with him. I’m not ready to settle down and, on top of that, communication between us does not fill my emotional connection that I would imagine with a boyfriend.
I’m going back to Sweden soon and I don’t know what to do. I am honest with, I tell him my plan for the future and how I feel about our different desires, so I don’t know if I should end it before I go, give the relationship a chance when I go to Sweden, end it and not see him at all or end it in person? In person sounds better, but it’s easier said than done.
Lu
Hi Lu,
It always impresses me when I hear about relationships that have overcome language barriers and prove there is more to connecting with someone than just words. Having said that, I understand how it can be difficult to create deep rapport beyond a certain point in such a relationship, especially whilst physically apart.
The conflict in lifestyle and aspirations that you describe do seem to verge on the ‘deal breaker’ side of what you want in a relationship. If those factors are not as clear cut as that then a relationship’s true emotional traction can only be felt whilst in each other’s company.
If deep down you have already made your decision, then the sooner you sort it the better. It is good that you have discussed some of your overarching thoughts and feelings already. At the very least, it won’t be a shock when you do see each other.
If you feel you can stay mentally strong and rational enough when in his presence, then talking face to face is generally the most empathetic and amicable way to discuss things. The important thing is to be decisive so that neither of you feel confused with the outcome.
Relationships don’t have to have an ultimatum. Depending on your personal views towards different types of relationships, you can modify a relationship so that you are still emotionally and physically intimate, but the investment and commitment levels are adjusted. Hopefully you can come to a mutual understanding so that you both come out of this feeling positive and looking forward.
Thanks for writing and I hope things work out for the best,
Sam
All I have to say is watch Dear John… Such a moving story, inspired me to try much harder in my long distance relationship with my girlfriend 🙂
Thanks for the recommendation. I haven’t seen Dear John before but I will make sure to check it out. 🙂
Hi Sam,
First of all, Thank you for all your insights and advises on relationship matters. I really don’t know how I would manage at this point if I have not accidentally stumbled onto your site. Constantly reading your articles made me feel like I could become a better person when it comes to handling relationship matters.
I feel that I can relate to many of your posts. I am currently in a relationship with a girl who I met about half a year ago. We hit off right away, feeling that we connect in many different ways – sharing similar interests, hobbies but yet quite different at times in terms of personalities and nature. Its a strange but beautiful feeling. She was only working at my country for a month and we both know that we will be apart after her contract ends. Eversince then we have managed to plan ahead and meet up with each other wherever we may be. Trust me. Within 6 months, we have met and spend time in three different countries. It all seems romantic and at times, quite a luxurious relationship that we are having. Mind you our distance at times could be as far as between Southeast Asia and Europe. Each time, we met and re-connect, it was magical. But yet at the same time, each separation is getting harder and harder to overcome.
My trust was shaken during our last trip together. I accidentally saw an incoming message on her Skype from another guy calling her intimate names. I couldn’t help but to read into her previous messages and to my relief, although the guy on several occasions called her names, she did not reciprocate to him, but she continued the conversation to express her doubts and uncertainites about her future. I was shocked and I couldn’t understand that why she would need to do so. We spoke about this and she said there is nothing to worry about. She only has me in her mind and deleted his guy from her contact. We have move on from this incident but from time to time, it comes back to haunt me.
After the trip, it was the worst of times, because I became very needy where I wanted to constantly stay in touch. It gotten worse to a point that I am keeping tabs of her. It is really sad when I reflect the things I have done in the past 2 weeks, comparing to the strong connectivity we had in the first few months.
Recently it seems to me that she is going through a difficult period. She was a recent graduate but has yet to find a permanent job and hence she has been taking on these short term contractual works/internships to meet her ends and hopefully nail an opportunity somewhere. I am lucky enough to get a stable job and earn a fair living. At the moment she is confused about her decision in life. Pondering on what she really wants. She told me she need some time alone to sort things out herself and there is nothing I can help. I feel helpless. I reacted in a bad manner, thinking there are something more than that – issues with fear, jealousy. I asked if there is something wrong between our relationship but she said there is nothing wrong with us just that she needs to deal with much critical issues at hand about her future. We talked about this matter and she confessed that she is the kind that requires a lot of space of her own in times like that because she is constantly not satisfied about life. I think I can understand why she feels like that, because sometimes I feel the same too. She brought up the topic of trust and told me to trust her. She feels that I am not trusting her enough.
Now gradually, I am becoming more aware of my mis-doings and my feeling of insecurities. Reading your posts I also became aware that it is only normal that we both need our spaces and finding the right time to share positive things with each other. I am working on myself to de-sensitize certain negative emotions and will work on my trust to her. I just hope its not too late.
1. What else can I do at this point when she needs her time? How can I help her? Just by letting her be and worry that we might drift too far apart? We are meeting again in about a month time. The next thirty days is going to be a huge challenge! 🙁
2. I have been suggesting to her to relocate back to my country and try to find a job here for the time being. Nonetheless the job market is very unstable everywhere else in the world right now. She also understand that I am fine to re-locate with her to a place we both would like to be in the next 2-3 years. But I am afraid that perhaps now is not the best time to resurface this suggestion again although previously she was open to the idea. What do you think?
Hi,
Thank you for your kind words about the website. I’m glad you’ve found it helpful. 🙂
It sounds like you have a great relationship and the way you have managed the distance so far sounds perfect. Trust does have to be even more solid when dealing with a long-distance relationship and with a few tweaks in attitude and communication you can easily get the relationship back to the way you both want it to be. The fact that you are aware of the difference between unnecessary or needy behaviour and that of a secure boyfriend is what is important in making any changes.
I wouldn’t read too much into the Skype messages or any similar instances. Emotions are extremely changeable, especially when dealing with the sometimes turbulent emotions that come with a long-distance relationship and also what sounds like a pivotal time in your girlfriend’s life. It is impossible to know what kind of mood she was in when she received or sent any of the messages, so try not to overanalyse anything that was said.
With regards to the decisions and pathways that your girlfriend is currently considering, the best thing for you to do is be supportive. Being supportive is far more important than actively trying to help her. Let her come to her own conclusions about what she wants to do in life and simply make sure that you are included in that picture… that she envisages a future life with you!
Unless she brings up her worries herself, I would not talk about them too much. You are better off being her relief from those stresses, so that she always looks forward to speaking to you. You definitely don’t want her anticipating more probing questions or suspicions before you speak to her. You want the relationship to be as stress-free and drama-free as possible. This is important in all relationships, but especially in long-distance ones. Start building up excitement for seeing each other next month, and try your hardest not to mention anything related to distrust or negative emotions until then.
When a woman says directly that you should trust her, she is usually being sincere. From what you have described, it doesn’t sound like your girlfriend is manipulating or hiding anything.
As for your final question, you want to sow the seeds that you can eventually be in the same location (otherwise the relationship loses a lot of its meaning and direction) but I definitely would avoid making her feel pressured in any way. Sharing future-projections for the relationship as well as giving more realistic options is great, but pressing the matter beyond that is likely to cause conflict.
Thanks for using the website and thanks for writing in, 🙂
Sam
Hi Sam
Thank you for your insights and advise!
Updates:
Just yesterday, She wrote that she thinks it is good for us to not talk for a bit, since she really needs to understand herself better, to reassess her priorities and needs. She adds that it’s not about me and suggested that being alone is a sort of therapy for her and hope i can understand.
I replied by stating that i have also spent some time thinking about what we have discussed recently, the great times we had when we were together and how we feel that we need some time and space now. I apologise for not trusting her because of my fear. Also to let her know that i am around whenever she feels ready with her emotions.
It has been a day where i have not heard from her and it feels terrible. I know i should focus my mind on myself and be positive. But Understanding it and putting it into practice is so tough. I know this ‘no-contact’ period is good for the both of us to understand ourselves and i am starting to realise that in the past week i have became less happier which perhaps resulted in the chain of unhappy events and issues of lesser trust in her.
I hope that it is not too late to salvage our relationship.
Regarding this period, should I be sending her a ‘how r u’ text/email if i dont hear from her for the next three days or after a week? Some friends suggested that i should not contact her until she is ready to make her first contact again. Some friends alao suggested that i can drop her a light message to enquire how’s things going for her lately without going into anything of our relationship. Just to indicate that i am around for her in this period. I am lost. What do you think? Also what if she wont get back to me for the next two weeks? Keep waiting?
Hi again,
The feelings you shared with each other sound reasonable and the time out is probably a good thing.
Although you do want to respect her wishes about having some space, it won’t harm things to let her know you are thinking of her, in a light-hearted and fun way. If you are to be together after this, you want her to be missing you during this time apart, not forgetting about you.
If you do send something, you want it to make her smile and not associate you back with any pressure or anguish regarding the relationship. Asking lone questions such as “how are you” are unlikely to achieve that; they may even shift her back into an overanalysing state of mind.
Instead you are better off sending her short, occasional messages that are playful, fun and not related to personal feelings too much. An example completely off the top of my head would be, “I just saw [something cute/funny] and it totally reminded me of [some fun time you have shared together]. Hope you’re well sweetie.” Obviously only use something like that if it is congruent with your personality and make sure that it comes across in a caring manner, rather than aloof. A message like that doesn’t demand a response and is not needy or pressuring, yet will still remind her that you are thinking of her.
Other than that, I would wait for the agreed time and keep busy and positive in the meantime. If you haven’t heard from her in two weeks then it might be the time to contact her. Chat and reconnect as if nothing is wrong in the relationship, focusing on the future positives rather than any past negatives.
All the best,
Sam
I’m in a long distance relationship now and my boyfriend and I always watch movies together. The Internet has been wonderful for this (we actually met over it too). What we do is choose a movie either over Netflix or rent a disc from Redbox, and push play at the same time. BUT…we are in instant messaging while watching, so we can comment or pause if one of us has to pee or the phone rings, etc. It’s not as good as couch time in person, but it’s worked out pretty well.
I hope this won’t be long distance forever. I really miss the couch time.
Hi Mabel,
That sounds like a brilliant idea; thanks for sharing. I guess another addition could be a webcam chat, so you can actually see each other’s reactions in real-time, although you’d probably need a few monitors to do that properly. I agree that it is hard to replicate being together in person but your idea sounds like a wonderful substitute in the meantime. 🙂
Thanks for commenting,
Sam
This article made me feel pretty good 🙂
Anyways, I’ve been pretty stressed lately. I recently took a trip to the small town my uncle lives in for some time away from the family and to chill out before my schooling started. I just graduated high school. And while I was there, the last week before I left I met an amazing girl that I felt extremely attracted to within minutes of first talking to her. After a few days we got pretty close. I had given her a few kisses on the cheek and plenty tighter than usual hugs, but I found out shortly before leaving that her mom forbid her from dating as long as she still lives in her house. But after leaving town (which brought a few tears by the way) we kept in touch via texting and confessed our more-than-friendly feelings for eachother and decided to try long-distance.
We were both very committed and discussed the future and plausibility of being able to finally be together-together and things seemed pretty hopeful. I’m living in California and her in New Mexico, but in 8 months, when she moves out to Arizona (which shaves off about 6 hours from travel time by car) we will be able to see eachother as we please.
Now I still had a few weeks before schooling started and I went back to see her, and we had an amazing time. We made eachother so happy just being in eachother’s presence. But her mom saw the connection and could tell how happy and compatible we were, so she sat us down and concluded that by the way we acted, we were not just friends, and explicitly told us both we CANNOT be romantically involved in ANY way. That we must stay “just friends.” naturally this upset us greatly, but we ended up just playing it under the radar, romeo and juliet status. The rest of my stay wasn’t as satisfying as before, though, because our time together was closely monitered after our intervention and we could hardly find time alone.
I am home now and it has been roughly a month since I have seen her, but just recently her mom asked her to read her texts (which were greatly polluted with more-than-friendly “conversation” ;)) and she deleted them all before her mom could read them. So she ended up getting busted and now we cannot talk about things that even HINT we are more than friends because everything isin danger of being read. I have been feeling very crappy lately because I am the kind of person who craves intimacy very much, both physically and verbally, but now all of that is being suppressed. I find myself doubting the love and am generally feeling a bit lonely without our usual great conversations. They do not feel the same anymore because the feelings can’t show through them. I KNOW I love her. It’s just getting to me that I can’t express it as I used to. And I don’t know how long this will last. I hope her mom lightens up soon, because 7 months of this will not be fun AT ALL.
Thanks for reading this. More of a rant than anything else, but input will be greatly appreciated.
Hey Jake,
There are a lot of protective parents out there and an important aspect of most relationships is being welcomed by everyone close to the person you are dating. Although this seems like a more difficult task in your situation, it is still what you should be striving for, even if you can only influence opinions indirectly.
This girl’s mother does seem far more protective and controlling than most parents. Whatever her true motive for restricting her daughter’s social life is, it is in your best interest to take the time to fully understand her mother’s beliefs and where she is coming from. If you want a relationship with this girl now or in the future, it is best that you side with her mother, rather than cause any conflict of justification for any negative feelings towards you.
Even with extreme beliefs, her mother will be more accepting of the relationship the more she views it as positive, respectful and sincere. Whilst you are such a long distance away, there is not much you can do to positively influence her mother yourself, but you can support and encourage her daughter to do so whilst simultaneously representing a potential relationship in the right way.
In the meantime, don’t let it ruin your relationship with this girl. You can convey attractive traits in your interactions whilst still respecting the boundaries imposed by her mother. It is all about creating what I call conspiratorial attraction and rapport, where the two of you have a mutual understanding that is not obvious to those around you.
Eight months is not a long time in the timeline of a relationship. Relationships are often about timing, and if the situation isn’t ideal now, keep it fresh until the timing is more ideal. One thing you want to continue doing is support this girl’s feelings on the matter, as she is the one truly in the middle of this. Try to also respect her mother’s wishes as much as you can whilst she is still under her guardianship. If it gets back to her, it will only help your cause!
All the best and let me know how things turn out,
Sam