How likely your partner is to cheat – part 1
Men and women who have been cheated on in the past will usually be able to look back and pinpoint certain forewarnings in their partner’s behaviour and develop their own reasons for why it happened. There is a tendency to ignore any of the real relational reasons behind it though and to instead load all the blame on the cheating partner. Every action has causation and it’s only by being aware of and understanding those causes that you will be able to prevent or deal with the outcome… in this case, cheating!
I’ve written previously about The ONLY way to prevent your partner cheating and why Cheating on a partner does not matter but a useful thing to know before committing yourself to a monogamous relationship is how likely your chosen partner is to cheat on you at any point along the way.
There are some people in relationships who in the back of their minds are scared stiff that their partner will cheat on them and will have already imposed strict consequences for finding out that they have. While it is never advisable to become a neurotic relationship detective, probing and testing your partner’s fidelity at every opportunity, knowing some of the causes for cheating will help ease the fear of cheating and help you to focus on the more positive aspects of a relationship.
This article discusses three ways that dictate how likely your partner is to cheat…
Personality, track record and disposition towards cheating:
By the time someone reaches adulthood they will have already developed their own unique disposition towards cheating, although usually not consciously. This disposition is governed by a number of factors including the social groups one mixes with and the personal experience and knowledge of relationships obtained thus far in life.
Although people can completely change their mindset and behaviour, it is difficult to do so for deep-set beliefs, rooted through years of social conditioning.
The old saying, “once a cheater, always a cheater” sadly does bear truth, although not necessarily in the literal sense. While people who have cheated on a boyfriend or girlfriend in the past may very well regret their actions and vow never to cheat again, they could be victim of fidelity suppression.
Fidelity suppression concerns someone in a relationship suppressing their biological urges to mate with other people, solely because of society’s strict views towards monogamy or their partner’s unrepentant attitude towards those urges.
This usually arises when someone feels that they have gotten into a relationship before they were ready: settling down before they have really experienced different relationships and discovered exactly what they want in a partner. Else, they have rationalised that the consequences of being caught cheating outweigh the reasons for doing it, despite those urges.
I don’t know about you but I would hate to think that I am ever restricting my partner in this way. In my own relationship, if Heidi truly started feeling romantic urges towards other people, she knows to be honest to me about it and we can adjust our relationship accordingly. Having said that, the reason that such an event would come about in the first place is largely based on my next point…
The quality of your relationship:
There are a countless number of excuses or justifications from people who cheat on their other half but at the end of the day someone cheats because there is something fundamentally missing or lacking in their current relationship.
As talked about in the popular article The ONLY way to prevent your partner cheating, all you can do to prevent your partner from cheating on you is to work on being the best boyfriend or girlfriend possible and to always make the relationship as happy and fulfilling as it can be.
This isn’t to say that people in unsatisfying relationships or in a relationship that is going through a bad patch will definitely be unfaithful; that is determined by the original disposition towards cheating but also by my next point…
Social situations and better options:
I’m sure many of us know of men or women who when in an alcohol-fuelled, heightened state become far more susceptible to cheating when the right person comes along. What I’m going to somewhat controversially proclaim is that this is a far more common practice than you might think, thankfully more in theory than in practice.
I actually personally know of several men – most are reputable dating coaches – who have the ability to attract and unwittingly lead a woman even if it turns out that she is in a seemingly happy long-term relationship. This comes down to the psychological and biological desire to pair-bond with the mate of highest value to us. In the moment of certain social situations, this desire is stronger than the loyalty towards a current partner in the majority or free-thinking individuals.
In practical terms what this means is that the more doubts and negativity there is in your relationship, the more likely your partner is going to find someone “better”, regardless of how moral or faithful they usually are. If you eliminate those doubts and negativity and work on being the best option available then your partner is extremely unlikely to cheat on you!
The reason that this article is titled part 1 is because I have created a diagram that determines with a high degree of accuracy how likely your partner is to cheat. Part 2 of how likely your partner is to cheat can be found HERE. 🙂
Much love,
Samuel
Wow this is really interesting Sam, I look forward to Part 2 of the article!
x x x
Thanks a lot Eva, I’m glad you found it interesting… Part two should be out soon! 🙂
Hello Sam
My favourite topic that you write about has made me feel compelled to comment again. I love how you dissect something like this down whereas a lot of men act without thinking which I guess is partly a reason for cheating too.
I would like to add that I think when you are on the recieving end of something horrible such as cheating it does make you reassess how you would act in the future. I shamefully admit that I cheated on one of my first serious boyfriends in my youth. My next serious boyfriend who at the time I thought was the love of my life cheated on me. The pain and heartbreak that I felt after that made me vow never to do that to someone I care about again.
I find it an interesting setup that you and Heidi are upfront about stuff like that as you mentioned and I guess it is the best way as you always know where you stand.
Thankyou for the great topic and like Eva above me I am very intrigued for the next installment.
Take care
Joan <3
Hi Joan,
I’m glad you enjoy this topic. The key to mastering any form of personal development is awareness so yes it does help to dissect and understand things as much as possible.
You make a great point about how behaviour and attitude can change depending on our experiences, especially a highly emotional experience. Tying this into the above article, the scenario you describe would come under your disposition towards cheating changing as a consequence of your personal experiences. It’s great to have that empathy and compassion now, as the antithesis is characteristic of someone who does cheat on their partner and will desensitise or distance themselves from those feelings as much as possible. This affects internally a lot more than just their relationships.
I definitely agree that the setup me and Heidi have regarding this is the healthiest both internally and externally. Whatever way cheating is justified or rationalised, it is always a product of insecurity in some form.
Thanks a lot Joan… If you’re subscribed to the e-mail list then you’ll receive an e-mail when the next part is uploaded! 🙂
Sam
This post is awesome – best so far imo!! The best parts were the bit you call fidelity suppression and the bit about social situations. I don’t just think that some men and women suppress cheating on their partner because of some of the things you mentioned, I think they ALL do!! I’m pretty sure if people are honest that when they see a hot moviestar or someone that they would bang them if there were no strings attached or no1 would find out. Do you agree? The bit about social situations I’ve been thinking about a lot too. I’m not a complete stud or anything but I’ve got with girls who I have found out AFTER that they are in a relationship. They decided not to tell me at the time. What do you think the reason for that is? Just read back through what written and realised that I sound a bit harsh but I guess what I’m trying to say is that anyone CAN cheat!!! Awesome post.
Hey, thanks a lot… I’m glad you like this article! 🙂
I see where you are coming from with your view on fidelity suppression but claiming everyone suppresses the urge to cheat is somewhat presumptuous. Whilst everyone has the ability to find themselves in that situation due to the natural choices and consequences of life, there are certain situations where fidelity suppression isn’t an issue at all. It takes a lot of self-realisation but if someone is completely satisfied both emotionally and physically in a relationship then by definition they won’t want anything more from elsewhere. It works in practice too but there is a big difference in relationships between being ‘satisfied’ and being ‘completely satisfied’!
There is also a big distinction between fantasy and reality when it comes to whether someone would actually cheat. Movie-stars and the like are ‘attractive’ because they have so much perceived value bestowed upon them by society. A lot of people in relationships find it easier to accept their partner having a crush on a celebrity for example because it lacks that reality. A celebrity, although having a head-start over the average person, would still have to go through the exact same steps to attract and date someone as anyone else.
As for your comments about seemingly promiscuous women in relationships, I know exactly what you mean and have been in the same situation myself many a time. It goes back to what I was saying in the article about women being led by emotions, and in the moment it is quite feasible that you were attractive enough and led the interaction smoothly enough that their boyfriend was in a sense ‘forgotten’ about. This situation does rely on their being doubts in that woman’s relationship though, although as you say, that is more common than most would think. Whilst anyone CAN cheat, only some people WILL cheat!
The next part of this article should clear up any of these points so make sure you check that out when I upload it.
Thanks for commenting, 🙂
Sam
This was a great article to read but also very difficult. I totally agree about cheating happening when there is a rough patch and a person getting involved too soon. I remember seeing a show once where the woman in the couple (this woman was the cheater in the story) said “my cheating is a symptom and not the problem”. Though I may be paraphrasing, it makes sense when you think of it.
I think as long as you’re being the best girlfriend/boyfriend you can be, that’s all that really matters (like you said earlier). However, I still feel that cheating seems like an easy way out for people who choose this route in a relationship. Too many people on the receiving end get hurt because the other chose to cheat. I believe that people are going to do what they are going to do but shouldn’t at the expense of the other’s feelings. Still, it is fascinating to understand what the factors are that make people do this.
I look forward to your diagram and follow up post Sam.
Hi Elena, hope you’ve had a good week! 🙂
Yes I definitely agree with that statement that cheating is a symptom rather than a problem. That shouldn’t be used as an excuse for cheating though, which the woman in your example seems to be using it as; someone saying “you drove me to it” for example.
As you go on to explain in your comment, cheating sometimes seems like the ‘easy way out’ for someone not completely content in their relationship, or rather the ‘easy alternative’. The reason it happens so secretively is because the cheater doesn’t want to risk losing the positive aspects of their current relationship and does actually want to preserve their partner’s feelings.
It’s never the best solution in practice but as I mentioned in one of the above comments, the act of cheating is fuelled by insecurities in some form. As a consequence, one partially satisfactory relationship plus another partially satisfactory relationship on the side can feel more complete to someone when the alternative is to risk having no relationship whilst they find a more complete singular relationship, if that makes sense. As I said, it’s never the best solution in practice and a cheater invariably becomes unstuck at some point, hurting people at the same time.
Thanks a lot for your comment Elena and have a rosy weekend, 🙂
Sam
Everytime I read your posts, I feel as though I’m on the right path to a successful relationship….thank you.
That’s great to hear Sabrina… Thanks for reading! 🙂
Yes Sam, I also like the way you have posted this blog. According to me You do not conduct a relationship according to a set of rules. It is all about trust, Loyalty and communication, not about being controlling and making one person feel constantly criticized. Thanks for sharing, I had a nice reading.
Hi Michael,
Yes I agree with you. Whilst there are lots of similarities and generalisations that are useful for relationships, they should only ever be used as guidelines rather than strict rules. Every relationship is dynamic, so the attributes you highlighted are the main ones to keep in mind and apply according to the individual relationship.
Thanks for commenting, 🙂
Sam