Sleeping with someone new for the first time

The pivotal point in the majority of relationships, and one which signifies the progression of a casual dating relationship into something real and lasting, is having sex for the first time.

Men and women have very different perspectives on sleeping with someone for the first time. Although everyone has their own personal thoughts and concerns about how and when to sleep with someone new, there are many generalisations that are useful to understand.

This article will explain how men and women differ emotionally when deciding to sleep with someone for the first time, and also provide some general thoughts on how to use these differing feelings to have a smoother progression in your relationships…

Common sexual anxieties for men:

In my experience, the main concerns for men when sleeping with someone new are either performance related or timing related: “how to” or “when to”.

Everyone has a different level of experience when it comes to sex and it is very likely that the woman you are with will have some slight apprehensions too. Your level of experience is nothing to be worried about or ashamed of.

The best resource I have found for some basic sex tips is a book called The Guide To Getting It On by Paul Joannides. This book doesn’t cover any advanced sexual techniques but it does a good job at detailing all the basics thoroughly. Whatever your experience, I’m sure you’ll find some useful tips in there.

As well as everyone having a different level of experience regarding sex, everyone has their own unique set of sexual preferences, which won’t be fully discovered until an intimate relationship has developed. As such, it is best to keep things simple at first so you can get used to each other’s bodies. Even if you do possess the knowledge to give mind-blowing orgasms, you’re unlikely to be able to do this the first time with someone new, so keep things simple at first.

Trust and rapport before sex:

Aside from a small portion of women who have particularly relaxed attitudes towards sex and commitment, most women require a certain amount of trust and rapport with a man before they are comfortable sleeping with him.

Whilst there are ways to create deep rapport with a woman extremely quickly and convince her without doubt that you will stick around and not just use her for sexual gratification, those aren’t necessarily the most mutually respectful methods. Respecting a woman’s personal disposition towards sex and waiting for her to be both physically and emotionally ready is a far more compassionate method and one that will alleviate any conflicting emotions in the future.

On the other hand, if you have met a woman that you are interested in potentially pursuing a relationship with, getting the relationship sexual as soon as possible is the best way to achieve that, so it’s all about finding a balance.

Common sex anxieties for women:

There are two main reasons why sex with a new person may seem like more of a big deal for women than it is for men: social conformity and a woman’s biological instinct to pair-bond with the right man. Obviously there will be women who buck this trend but if you are a man then you have probably come across these behaviours at some point, and if you are a woman then you can probably relate to some of these observations…

Social conformity:

What does modern society call a man who is sexually promiscuous? A stud: an identity with largely positive connotations.

What does modern society call a woman who is sexually promiscuous? A slut: an identity with largely negative connotations.

Women are constantly sent messages from their peers and society in general that they should never appear sexually promiscuous or “easy”. What this can lead to is a woman who resists desires to sleep with a man where a relationship isn’t a realistic possibility, even if she physically wants to.

Clichéd female dating advice states things such as “wait three dates until you sleep with a guy” or to put it another way, be defiant in not giving yourself to a man too soon. While this may seem like a woman’s way of retaining power in the early stages of dating, it actually has some underlying benefits.

On an evolutionary level, a woman’s objective is to find a man to pair-bond with and raise offspring. Although attitudes towards sex have changed and there are now numerous options for contraception which if used correctly voids pregnancy, some of these instinctual fears about sleeping with the wrong person still exist.

This is one reason why a woman will want to make sure that she is sleeping with someone with whom she can both trust and keep hold of. Sleeping with the wrong person can be more detrimental than not sleeping with anyone at all. This supports the idea that you should sincerely get to know and trust someone if you are looking for anything more than just sex.

A woman also knows, be it consciously or subconsciously, that there is a distinct power-shift in the relationship after sleeping together for the first time. It opens her up to a certain degree of vulnerability for a short while afterwards. This is a fair enough justification for not jumping into a sexual relationship, as long as the woman is not using sex as any kind manipulative tool to test or control commitment.

Your experiences:

I’d love to hear if you agree with these theories and also if you are willing to share any personal experiences. Have you ever felt that you slept with someone too soon? How do you feel when you sleep with someone for the first time and why do you think that is?

Much love,

Samuel