Sleeping with someone new for the first time

The pivotal point in the majority of relationships, and one which signifies the progression of a casual dating relationship into something real and lasting, is having sex for the first time.

Men and women have very different perspectives on sleeping with someone for the first time. Although everyone has their own personal thoughts and concerns about how and when to sleep with someone new, there are many generalisations that are useful to understand.

This article will explain how men and women differ emotionally when deciding to sleep with someone for the first time, and also provide some general thoughts on how to use these differing feelings to have a smoother progression in your relationships…

Common sexual anxieties for men:

In my experience, the main concerns for men when sleeping with someone new are either performance related or timing related: “how to” or “when to”.

Everyone has a different level of experience when it comes to sex and it is very likely that the woman you are with will have some slight apprehensions too. Your level of experience is nothing to be worried about or ashamed of.

The best resource I have found for some basic sex tips is a book called The Guide To Getting It On by Paul Joannides. This book doesn’t cover any advanced sexual techniques but it does a good job at detailing all the basics thoroughly. Whatever your experience, I’m sure you’ll find some useful tips in there.

As well as everyone having a different level of experience regarding sex, everyone has their own unique set of sexual preferences, which won’t be fully discovered until an intimate relationship has developed. As such, it is best to keep things simple at first so you can get used to each other’s bodies. Even if you do possess the knowledge to give mind-blowing orgasms, you’re unlikely to be able to do this the first time with someone new, so keep things simple at first.

Trust and rapport before sex:

Aside from a small portion of women who have particularly relaxed attitudes towards sex and commitment, most women require a certain amount of trust and rapport with a man before they are comfortable sleeping with him.

Whilst there are ways to create deep rapport with a woman extremely quickly and convince her without doubt that you will stick around and not just use her for sexual gratification, those aren’t necessarily the most mutually respectful methods. Respecting a woman’s personal disposition towards sex and waiting for her to be both physically and emotionally ready is a far more compassionate method and one that will alleviate any conflicting emotions in the future.

On the other hand, if you have met a woman that you are interested in potentially pursuing a relationship with, getting the relationship sexual as soon as possible is the best way to achieve that, so it’s all about finding a balance.

Common sex anxieties for women:

There are two main reasons why sex with a new person may seem like more of a big deal for women than it is for men: social conformity and a woman’s biological instinct to pair-bond with the right man. Obviously there will be women who buck this trend but if you are a man then you have probably come across these behaviours at some point, and if you are a woman then you can probably relate to some of these observations…

Social conformity:

What does modern society call a man who is sexually promiscuous? A stud: an identity with largely positive connotations.

What does modern society call a woman who is sexually promiscuous? A slut: an identity with largely negative connotations.

Women are constantly sent messages from their peers and society in general that they should never appear sexually promiscuous or “easy”. What this can lead to is a woman who resists desires to sleep with a man where a relationship isn’t a realistic possibility, even if she physically wants to.

Clichéd female dating advice states things such as “wait three dates until you sleep with a guy” or to put it another way, be defiant in not giving yourself to a man too soon. While this may seem like a woman’s way of retaining power in the early stages of dating, it actually has some underlying benefits.

On an evolutionary level, a woman’s objective is to find a man to pair-bond with and raise offspring. Although attitudes towards sex have changed and there are now numerous options for contraception which if used correctly voids pregnancy, some of these instinctual fears about sleeping with the wrong person still exist.

This is one reason why a woman will want to make sure that she is sleeping with someone with whom she can both trust and keep hold of. Sleeping with the wrong person can be more detrimental than not sleeping with anyone at all. This supports the idea that you should sincerely get to know and trust someone if you are looking for anything more than just sex.

A woman also knows, be it consciously or subconsciously, that there is a distinct power-shift in the relationship after sleeping together for the first time. It opens her up to a certain degree of vulnerability for a short while afterwards. This is a fair enough justification for not jumping into a sexual relationship, as long as the woman is not using sex as any kind manipulative tool to test or control commitment.

Your experiences:

I’d love to hear if you agree with these theories and also if you are willing to share any personal experiences. Have you ever felt that you slept with someone too soon? How do you feel when you sleep with someone for the first time and why do you think that is?

Much love,


15 replies
  1. christian girl
    christian girl says:

    What do you say to people of certain religious faiths such as myself who don’t believe in sex before marriage? Although I am only 19 I am yet to find a boyfriend who respects this.

    • Samuel McCrohan
      Samuel McCrohan says:


      It is hard for me to personally relate to your situation as I am not religious myself, although I did briefly date a religious woman with similar views to you many years ago. She actually changed her beliefs whilst she was with me so I imagine every Christian’s beliefs vary in strictness.

      I can imagine that it would be hard to find guys without the same religious beliefs as you who are willing to wait until marriage but I am sure sticking to your beliefs is more important so good on you for doing so.

      In a sense, waiting until marriage before having sex is just an extreme version of some of the points I was talking about in the above article, namely respecting a woman’s disposition towards sex and the levels of trust and commitment required before sex.

      I’m not sure what your personal boundaries of intimacy would be with a man prior to marriage but I’m sure there are plenty of guys out there who will respect them, regardless of their own religious stance.

      Thanks for your question, 🙂


  2. dean
    dean says:

    Got in to a bit of a habit of commenting on your blog now ha! It’s one of only 3 that I regularly check so thanks for always putting out awesome content!
    I can relate to a lot of the things you wrote in this post. I always find it really awkward when first getting physical with a woman and knowing whether to go all the way yet or not. It’s not like you should ask is it?
    To answer your question at the end, to me it’s a sense of excitement and relief when I finally have sex with someone I like although its always rather clumsy sex. I’ve never thought it was too soon but then I assume that part is just for women? Don’t know why that is though.

    • Samuel McCrohan
      Samuel McCrohan says:

      Hey Dean, thanks for checking back so regularly and commenting! 🙂

      Yes I know it can sometimes feel awkward when getting physical with a new woman for the first time. That is largely down to how smoothly you have escalated physically. If you increase seduction slowly from touching to kissing etc then you get to the point where sex is the next natural step.

      I would generally advise against verbalising this seduction (unless you’ve spoken to each other about having sex before) as it puts the woman into the pressurised situation of having to logically decide whether to have sex or not in the moment. She will have done this already in her subconscious mind but sex is a lot more enjoyable for both sexes when it can be rationalised as natural and spontaneous.

      Thanks for answering the questions too. Sex with someone new can seem ‘clumsy’ as you have to figure out what each other likes and dislikes. Both men and women can feel it is too soon for sex but as I stated in the article, women receive a lot harsher stereotypes when it comes to sex, which plays a part as to why they may seem to want to wait longer.

      Thanks for your comment, 🙂


  3. starsparkle
    starsparkle says:

    After we had sex for the first time I officially asked my boyfriend out (though later he said he was surprised as he’d assumed the date was an indication that we were going out!) and he said “oh good, you get to understand that I’m only going to get better at doing that”… which is entirely true!

    First time is a run-through. 😛 Which is why promiscuous sex would never be enjoyable for me. Woop de doo you have a bunch of moves that worked on the other girls… they’re unlikely to work on me!!

    • Samuel McCrohan
      Samuel McCrohan says:


      I like that method. I often hear from people who don’t know where they stand because they assume sex automatically brings relationship status with it. And you’re right… Sex definitely gets better the more you do it with the same person!

      Thanks a lot for commenting, 🙂


  4. CB
    CB says:

    A woman’s insight:

    The three-date rule is so that we can decide whether or not we think you’ll be good in bed. We like quality, not quantity;)

    • Samuel McCrohan
      Samuel McCrohan says:

      In that case maybe I’ll turn up to my next date doing cartwheels, with three pairs of socks stuffed down my pants, wearing a t-shirt that says ‘Sex God’ on it!! 🙂

      Your insight does go to show how much more thorough women are with these things than men though. I can normally tell if a woman will be good in bed by default within about ten minutes of meeting her… and most men know if a woman is ‘good enough’ in bed within about ten seconds!! 🙂


  5. Anderson
    Anderson says:

    It is better to be open about how you feel and it will be smooth sailing…
    Discrete dating site for those married , or in a relationship,
    and looking for discreet married dating.

  6. MJohnson
    MJohnson says:

    Thanks for the article it helped me get past my thought of “moving too soon”. I recently, decided to pursue an intimate evening with a guy after three dates. Although I initially had mixed feelings I’m glad I followed through. I liked him and felt safe and comfortable enough to go through with it. I also wanted to see if we would be compatible. The first time is always nerve racking but it gave me the insight I needed to determine if I want to pursue a deeper relationship.

    • Samuel McCrohan
      Samuel McCrohan says:


      That’s great to hear that things worked out well for you.

      If a man has gone on three dates with you then it is safe to say that he is interested in the possibility of pursuing a deeper relationship and it also gives enough time to feel comfortable with each other like you say. On the other hand, waiting longer before getting intimate without any verbal discussion could give conflicting messages. It sounds like you found the perfect balance. 🙂

      Thanks for commenting,


  7. sophie
    sophie says:

    How can you tell if a woman will be good in be within 10 minutes?…seriously i would like to know the indicators as i have my own for men and they have been right and wrong…them quiet ones def seem to turn out quite a supriser from experience.

    ps – i’m about to go out on a first date with a cute but total new guy (he asked me out in a coffee shop after some casual chit chat.) hes hot but im not sure how soon i can be straight about wanting to get physical with him…it will be sooooon.

    • Samuel McCrohan
      Samuel McCrohan says:

      Hi Sophie,

      There are many indicators of interest when it comes to attraction and it is clusters of those indicators that are significant, rather than any specific examples. The ones that link to sexual confidence are mainly related to how someone engages in and responds to physical touch. This starts from basic, social touching right up to romantic and intimate touching.

      Consciously thinking about the signs you are giving off is likely to make it seem incongruent or unnatural. What is more important is not to consciously restrict your expressions of interest, unless doing so actual heightens any sexual tension.

      Given that he asked you out in a coffee shop, I assume this man is fairly confident, in which case he should be comfortable moving the relationship forward as soon as possible. To assist that all you have to do is let him know through actions what stage of physical comfort or intimacy you are currently comfortable with. This is far more important than anything you verbally state, and in fact a great way to create sexual tension is to physically escalate, whilst verbally resisting (in a flirty manner).

      Have fun,


Comments are closed.